Breaking my Mortality

Breaking my Mortality

 

Dying is ultimately the definitive result of the natural cause and effect related to birth. While dying is the ultimate experience for oneself it is also the ultimate experience for others who suffer the loss. There are natural and unnatural stages to one’s death and they are sometimes sudden or long drawn out processes that makes it hard to break in the heart for such an eventuality.

I am not worried about the grieving process – my life will be over and I shall be dead. However, I am concerned about those I leave behind as I break my mortality and find the end of my life cycle a moment of grim pleasure. Thinking of dying has had a profound influence on my thinking while alive. I think it haunts me more than I admit to but regardless, I am ready to deal with it the best I know how.

There is no denial of me dying. I confronted this matter since I was thirty six years old when I thought I was a dead man because of my lifestyle and my choices. It was then when I realized that I was susceptible to this fear of dying because either I was unprepared to die or I was unable to deal with it. Today, it has become a total new experience – I am ready to deal with it; the fact is my impending death is not only happening but inevitable.

This experience is not new and unreal in any manner. It is possible and not impossible that the time is coming sooner than later. Simply said, I fear a painful prolonged death more than death itself. I pray I fall asleep and never wake up. Under the best circumstances, facing one’s own mortality is very difficult and breaking it up in pieces is in fact, impossible for it will happen.

We all have a death sentence. The task of dying has been mandated the moment you were born so there is no time for denial and premature mourning. Worrying about my death is next to impossible yet, it doesn’t matter as much as it did before. I would rather die in peace than in chaos. I fear the fire but not the cold. I don’t want to be morbid about it but at the same time, I can’t dwell on my fate – death is coming whether I like it or not.

There is no coping strategy here – death is inopportune and knocks on the door any moment you are still alive. There is no anger here for I have learned of my fate much sooner in life than I care to admit. I am thankful of the happiness I enjoyed, the blessings received and the life I lived. My accomplishments are real and my mind has committed its own thoughts that I feel more sanguine about dying than ever before.

I have witnessed the deaths of my mother and father – I am ambivalent about my future as well as the time of my death but I am certain it is coming. There is no rage, no sorrow or even regrets that would cause me to have second-thoughts about me dying. I want to gently say good night and turn out the light.